Why It's Hard to Be Honest With Yourself (The Brain Science Behind "It's Fine")
I used to think that people-pleasing was one of my better qualities. But if I were to notice every time I say "it's fine" or "I don't care," I'm pretty sure I'd have to admit that honesty sometimes goes by the wayside. What about you?
Here’s what I’m talking about: somebody asks where you want to eat. You say either one's fine. Then you're twenty minutes into the meal wishing you'd said Thai, and a little annoyed about it, and you're not sure who you're annoyed at.
I want to say up front that I'm not calling anybody a liar. I am a people pleaser too. Even though I've really grown, I still catch myself. What I'm describing isn’t an outright lie — it's how we minimize ourselves or soften the truth to make it easier for everyone else to hear.
In Episode 27 of the Unafraid Living podcast, Kim and I got into what that costs, and how you start telling yourself the truth first. This is the third one in our Harmonizer series, so if you took the quiz and came out a Harmonizer, this one is for you.
What Does Being Honest With Yourself Actually Mean?
It's bigger than not telling lies. We're not usually talking about statements that are factually untrue. We're talking about not paying enough attention to yourself to know what's true in the first place.
There are five things you have to be in touch with: your feelings, your wants, your motives, your limits and your values. When you know how you feel, what you want, why you're doing what you're doing, where your limits are and what matters most to you, it's a lot easier to be honest.
Why Would Anyone Edit the Truth About Their Own Preferences?
Because it goes down easier. It's easier for us to be who we are when we believe everyone will like us better. And if you're a Harmonizer, it's normal to put a lot of weight on whether people like you — and one of the ways we try to win people over is by giving in to their preferences.
Here's the part that's hard to hear. How you present yourself is how people learn who you are. If what you've shown them for years is don't ask me, it doesn't matter, whatever you want — they're just going with what they know.
And the longer you've been in a relationship, the harder it can be to change. You've gotten used to editing your preferences, and they've gotten used to the version of you who always lets them decide. Changing that can be uncomfortable, so taking it slowly can help. You might even want to have a conversation and let them know you're trying to show up more honestly and authentically.
How Does Your Brain Get So Good at Editing?
Repetition, mostly. Your brain learns what works, and it learns it from the results. Do the same thing enough times and you teach yourself something.
If giving in to someone else's preference reduces the tension in the room, your brain notices. It worked. You felt better, they seemed happier, and your brain learned that this was a pretty effective response.
And the more often you respond that way, the easier it becomes. You don't have to stop and think, I should probably set aside what I want so everyone stays happy. Your brain has practiced that response enough that it can happen almost automatically. "No" becomes "maybe." "That hurt" becomes "I'm fine." "I'd rather do this" becomes "whatever you want."
That's how your brain gets so good at editing. You've practiced it. And the good news is that the same brain that learned to edit can learn a different response with practice.
Is It Selfish to Say What You Actually Want?
This is where harmonizers get nervous, and the word that makes them flinch is assert. Say "assertive" to a room of people pleasers and you'll watch the shoulders come up.
But information isn't instruction. That distinction is the whole thing, and I want you to hold onto it. Learning that you prefer Thai food doesn't obligate you to insist on Thai food. I love Chinese food, for the record. Knowing what you want simply means you're carrying accurate information about yourself — and accurate information is what lets everyone in the room make a thoughtful choice, including you.
So your truth gets a seat at the table. It gets one vote. That's different from running the table, and it's a long way from where most harmonizers are sitting now, which is out in the hallway.
What If I Swing Too Far the Other Way?
You probably will at first, and I'd rather you expect it than be surprised by it.
When we're trying to grow, we can sometimes swing like a pendulum. You go from having no boundaries at all to treating everything as a boundary, and it comes out blunt because you're new at it. My husband and I did exactly that when we were learning emotional boundaries with each other. We knew what we were trying to do, we were just terrible at it — and eventually we started laughing about it, which is when it got better.
It takes practice. That's true of anything you've never done — and everything you want to get good at. Real change takes real effort, and effort at the beginning looks like fumbling. Not every thought needs to be spoken. Not every preference has to be a win. Not every feeling requires a conversation.
You can let someone else decide without pretending you had no preference, and you can forgive someone without pretending you were never hurt.
Why Does Making Someone Else Feel Better Feel So Good?
Because their discomfort can make you uncomfortable too. So when you do something that makes them feel better, you feel better. Kim pointed this out in the episode, and she nailed it. We may think we're doing it entirely for them, but there's something in it for us too.
That's not a bad thing. It's human. But it does help explain why people pleasing can be such a hard pattern to change. If giving in makes them happier, reduces the tension in the room and gives you relief, your brain learns something: that worked.
And that's where it connects back to honesty. If keeping everyone comfortable feels better in the moment, it's easy to say "I'm fine" instead of admitting you're hurt, or "whatever you want" instead of acknowledging that you actually have a preference. The relief may be real, but so is what you're giving up to get it.
This is where the front part of your brain earns its keep. Your prefrontal cortex is what lets you hold all of the information at the same time — what I think, what she thinks, what he thinks and what the group needs — so you can weigh it. Another virtue, discernment, helps you decide what to do with the information.
How Do I Know When I'm Editing the Truth ?
Start by listening for some of the things you say automatically. When you catch yourself saying one of these, get curious:
“It’s fine.” — Is it actually fine, or am I trying to keep things easy?
“I don’t care.” — Do I really not care, or am I afraid my preference will complicate things?
“It didn’t hurt my feelings.” — Did it hurt more than I want to admit?
“I’m not upset.” — Am I upset, but uncomfortable admitting it?
“I don’t need anything.” — Is that true, or am I more comfortable taking care of everyone else?
“I had no choice.” — Did I have another choice that just felt harder or more uncomfortable?
You don't have to do anything with the answer yet. For now, just notice what's actually true.
Your Practice
Don't try to be more outspoken. Don't try to say no more often. That's not the assignment. The assignment is to listen for the places where you automatically say it's fine, or I don't care, or it doesn't matter — and then ask yourself whether that's actually true. That's it.
Kim compared it to buying a new car, when suddenly you see that car everywhere. Once you're looking for these phrases, you'll hear yourself saying them constantly. That's the whole point.
We don't owe everyone every truth we discover about ourselves. We do owe ourselves the truth, and we owe ourselves access to it. The information is already in there, we just have to be brave enough to admit it to ourselves first.
Download the free printable Is That Actually True Practice Worksheet to track what you notice this week — one page, no email required:
➡️ Is That Actually True Practice Worksheet
Ready to Go Deeper?
The UNAFRAID course gives you the brain-based tools to know what you actually want and say it without bulldozing anyone — one small shift at a time.
Fearless Foundations ($97) at unafraidcourse.com
Start with The Hidden Fear Profile Quiz — it helps you identify exactly what's driving your patterns: unafraidliving.com/quiz
Explore the Harmonizer Series:
🔗 Episode 25: What Is a People Pleaser? The Harmonizer Pattern and Why It Wears You Out [link when live]
🔗 Episode 26: Why You Assume Someone Is Upset With You (The Brain Science of Mind Reading) [link when live]
Frequently Asked Questions
What is self-honesty?
Self-honesty is being in touch with what you actually feel, want and need, along with your motives, your limits and your values — and letting yourself have that information before you decide what to do with it. It's broader than telling the truth to other people. Someone can go years without saying anything factually untrue and still have very little idea what they actually prefer, because they've never stopped to ask. Good decisions run on honest information, and honest information starts with yourself.
Why do people pleasers say "it's fine" when it isn't?
Usually because it works. Dropping your preference takes the tension out of a room quickly, and your brain repeats what gets a result. If saying "either one's fine" has reliably kept things easy, that relief is worth repeating — and after enough repetitions the response starts arriving before you've consciously decided anything. You may find you're already editing in the car on the way to see someone, well before there's anything to edit.
Is being honest with yourself the same as being assertive?
No, and the difference matters. Being honest with yourself is internal — it's knowing what's true for you. Assertiveness is what you might choose to do with that afterward, and you don't have to do anything with it at all. Information isn't instruction. Knowing you'd rather have Thai food doesn't obligate you to insist on it. Your truth gets a seat at the table and one vote, which is a very different thing from running the table.
How do I know what I want if I've spent years doing what everyone else wants?
Slowly, and with some real work. A counselor or a coach can help, and plenty of people can do it on their own with honest reflection — by thinking back through the day, noticing where you could have spoken up, and asking what you'd have said if speaking up had been easy. Do that to learn, never to berate yourself. The five things to look for are your feelings, your wants, your motives, your limits and your values.
Will I come across as selfish if I start saying what I want?
Being honest with yourself doesn't mean saying every thought out loud. Not every preference has to be a win, and not every feeling requires a conversation. What changes is that you're giving people accurate information about you, which is what lets everyone — including you — make a thoughtful choice. Many people do swing too far at first and come out blunter than they meant to. That's normal at the start of any new skill, and it settles with practice.
How long does it take to change a people-pleasing pattern?
Longer than most people hope, and it does change. This is a response that's been trained over years, often decades, so give it time and expect some fumbling. The more a thought repeats, the easier it becomes, which cuts both directions — the new response takes practice before it becomes the automatic one.
